Praks in Wonderland

Ella Yelich-O’Connor, better known as Lorde, came into my life over 10 years ago. Instead of going through the dregs of all the details in those many years, I’d like to focus on her last album. Virgin. The cover an ultrasound/x-ray image of the female pelvic area with a belt buckle, zipper on a pair of jeans, and an IUD (a birth control device). It’s a bit antithetical – calling your album virgin (aka sexless), and prominently featuring a birth control device on the cover. But I suppose that contradiction is kind of what this album is about.

Emotional, explorative, confusing, curious, reflective, resounding. This album is a ruminative journey through Lorde’s self-discovery process. The first single that was released for this album, What Was That, ventures through the complicated, overwhelming, painful emotions that follow a whirlwind romance – whether between a person, an audience, or the self. Released in April of this year, I personally was at about the 3 month mark of a new relationship and absolutely terrified of all the emotions she captured elegantly in this song. I was scared of falling in love and getting my heart broken, but she reminded me that the intrinsic potential complications are often worth the risk. It was a reminder to enjoy things as they come to you and figure out the rest later.

The next song to make its debut was Man Of The Year. A raw approach to questioning your gender as someone born biologically female. This song felt incredibly revelatory to some of the emotions I have felt over the last decade or so as I (constantly) dig into who I identify as. The lyrics are heavily centered on how the people around you react to finding out that you are questioning these things about yourself, and also you figuring out how to accept those things that have been taboo for so long in our society. Lorde also ventures to discuss how she wants people to think of her, my interpretation of which is almost bi-gender, or even genderless, somewhere in between but nowhere at all too. I understand that.

To avoid delving in excruciating detail for every song on the album (which I easily could do), I’ll discuss my other two favorite tracks, and attempt to conclude with her concert in Nashville. In a similar vein of self-questioning/discovery as Man Of The Year, the next song I adore deeply is Shapeshifter. In the chorus she lists six contradictions saying she has been all of them. The last one being “I’ve been up on a pedestal but tonight I just wanna fall”. If you can’t tell by now, something I struggle with is accepting contradiction. It verges into hypocrisy sometimes in my mind. I’m working on accepting that two opposites can exist at once, and be ok. That’s what this song is about to me. It is also so so so deeply about seeking external validation. The lyric “if I’m fine without it, why can’t I stop?” obviously calls out addiction but it is applied to the need for validation from someone/something outside of yourself. This song begs the question of who you are, when your existence is not substantiated by an external factor. I don’t know if I know the answer for myself yet, but I’d like to find out.

I could not possibly pick a next favorite between Hammer and David, the opening and closing tracks, but fortunately I think they go hand in hand. Hammer is the act of transforming into someone new, using the tools that you have. David is the realization that another person carved you into what they wanted you to be. Hammer is an opening of identity, creation, discovery, breaking out of the confines that David is. These songs are so deeply connected that when I listen to the album on repeat and it loops from David back to Hammer, they are a statement and response. David is constricting, limiting, painful, an attempt to break free of a mold and, in perfect response, Hammer is freedom. It is joy, revelation, acceptance of no longer fitting a mold.

That’s also exactly what her concert felt like. She performed every track on the new album but interspersed tracks from her previous albums through the show. The crowd knew all the words to all the songs (and no, she didn’t shush us). Her performance of every song felt raw and real, personal and intimate. She talked about what it felt like to create and how we should all do it, and not be scared of what comes out of us. As with most female artists, she has spent her entire career being criticized for one thing or another. This show felt genuinely free. It felt like she had learned how to let go of those external expectations and just make something that feels real to her.

love, Praks